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Clenched fist.

I want to stop. I want to stop feeling. i want to be numb again. i want to be naive. i want to be ignorant and not know that i am. i want to be child. i want to be table. i want to be chair. i want to be glass. i want to be water. maybe vapour. i want to dissolve. disappear into thin air. tell me thats possible. tell me i can do that. that the people that are no longer here. how did they do it? the ones who no longer hear. i want to be air too. make it all go away. i want to go away. i want my grandfathers smile. i want my fathers arms. they are all drifting away. already drained. stretched. i feel tired. everyday. i want to cry. i want to stop. i want it all to stop. i want to be happy. can i be happy? are you happy? tell me how that feels. do you still cry when you’re happy? do you sometimes feel sad? do you think depression is a real thing? a concept, an idea, a theory, a false ending, a state of being. i want to not think. i want to be blank. i already feel empty. feel like shit. i need help. not the kind where we sit on opposite sides of the table and talk about how the colour green makes me feel. lets stop pretending. i want to stop pretending. i want to stop hiding from myself. i want you to see me. i want you to see you. i see you. you are trying everything in your power to not be you. but i can see you. you are just like me. hurting. i am hurting. maybe if we acknowledge it together it will hurt less. maybe if we die together they will finally see us. do you think of dying? do you think of being dead. your heart is beating and the doctor says you are okay. your friends say lest just go t0 the art gallery. your bed says stay. the mirror says it does not know you. you cry in front of the mirror. you want to remember. i want to remember what if feels like to be me. what does me look like. to be me is a myth. to be me is to be cellophane. i want to stop being cellophane. i want to stop mary jane. i want to stop wanting to escape. i want to escape. i want to keep writing until the pain goes away. i want to listen to music until the pain goes away. i wan to have sex untill the pain goes away. i wan to pray until the pain goes away. i want to cry until the pain goes away. i want to love until the pain goes away. away. away. away with me. i away with you. away with everything. dont say goodbye. dont tell anyone.

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