I have left all my warm clothes at home. It’s cold today. The clouds are heavy and I can feel the cold breeze on my face. I think I miss my grandmother. I had a dream about her the other day. She used to always remind me to dress warm. I wonder if shes warm right now. “It’s a cold world outside”,she would say I don’t know how to be myself anymore. I loose my sense of humor sometimes and I get amused by the most random things. How do you find that place that makes you feel like you are your complete self? I’m currently on a journey to define myself anew. I struggle with communicating with people I know from the past. Some of my friends today are blinded by the idea of who I used to be. I’m scared I’ll disappoint them. Or I’ll disappoint myself by disappointing them. I have mini panic attacks sometimes. Sometimes I’m just genuinely happy, even in the midst of the storm. The weather today felt so familiar. You know, the cold breeze, the moody sky and the drizzle. But at the same time, every thing about it was different. I have never experienced this day before. I don’t know how to act. How to be myself in this weather. Or even if the two are mutually exclusive. Maybe I need to go back. But what’s the point of going back to someone I used to be when I know more now than I did then? I need to know me again. Sometimes he reminds me of who I am. The way he looks at me. It’s so reassuring. I’m almost sure of myself when I’m with him. Assurance is a beautiful thing. Its a safe space. But it is easily tainted when it does not start from the inside. Its manipulative if its not from the self. Perhaps this is the thing i was referring to when i wrote about things to do before I turn 20. Maybe the entire list is based on refining who I am. The Climate keeps changing.
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