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Well what do you know

I don’t know how my niece sees the world as this place of infinite possibilities. I don’t know how to love without forgetting myself. I don’t know how to hate without ruining myself in the process either. I don’t know how to forget. I don’t know how our bodies just decide one day to stop. How they just don’t reply. I don’t know how time holds some moments captive. How some memories seem to go on forever.  I don’t know how to stop thinking. I dont know how to tell my brother I’ve missed him,  I always opt to say it in the silence between his deep breathes. I don’t know how to pray for my father, the words never come out right. I don’t know how to ask my mother if she ever feels lonely. I don’t know how to stop needing to want to leave this body. I don’t know if I should choose favourite colour already. I don’t know if Sia knows the number of times she’s saved me from bring strangled by my own pillow. I don’t know if love at first sight is a real thing.  But i’ve got the hearts for VW Bettles and Watermelons. I don’t know why but knowing that there’s a lot I don’t know makes me shit anxious. I don’t know how much time I have left. I don’t know what it is about water that undresses all the uncertainty in me.  I don’t know if tomorrow I will remember how to speak. How to think. How to breathe I don’t know if my throat won’t want to swallow all my words up. I don’t know if I care enough to give up all I am for my dream. I don’t know if I know exactly what my dream is. I don’t know how my hair reminds me so much of the person I always compromise on being. I don’t know why I’m always the quiet one at the dinner table. I don’t know why I’m attracted to assholes like myself, who are philosophical about the smallest things like life changing decisions over which song to fall asleep to. I don’t why I obsess over beautiful teeth. I don’t know why I love so carelessly. I don’t know why I don’t know so much.

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